Nearly IndestructIble “Nuts.com”

About two weeks ago, I ordered seven-holiday tins from Nuts.com. These gifts were mailed to three different states. Two days later, I heard back from recipients one through five, happily expressing holiday gratitude. 

Yesterday, I contacted number Six, thinking I probably screwed up their address. “No,” said Six. “I thought it was from (blank), an estranged person, so I haven’t opened it yet.”

Problem solved and happy holidays!!

Today I contacted Seven. Gawd what a psychological disaster!

Seven said that they heard the proximity alarms and watched on closed-circuit TV as the UPS driver walked the package up the driveway and set it on the front stoop.

Allow me to pause here to explain a little bit.

 Seven is a thirty-year LEO and a veteran. Like me, Seven lives alone and is somewhat a little bit, occasionally, slightly overcautious about things like personal space, site security, general security, individual security, fields of fire, fall-back positions, rally points, and other (quite normal) everyday life concepts. Aren’t we all?

Anyway,

Seven went on to explain that they left the clearly marked nuts.com package there on the front stoop for the next two days while they audited three months of credit card receipts to be sure that they hadn’t forgotten that they had ordered such a strange thing. No joy.

The next day, now three days post delivery,  Seven exited the house from the rear door, walked around the house looking for any other strange security breaches, and approached the suspect package from the far side of the driveway.

Seven went on to say that using their binoculars, from a position of cover, they did recon on the package for nearly an hour and they could not detect any smoke, vibrations, or blinking lights emanating from the suspect package. No joy.

Seven then turned on the water hose and thoroughly doused the package for a few minutes. No joy.

Two more days passed, now five days post-delivery, I guess to let the now-soaked cardboard box dry in the sun.

On day six, they gently took the now deformed cardboard box that once said “nuts.com” but was devoid of any legible printing and gingerly and cautiously walked it, keeping it level at all times, to the middle of their large back-yard and gently set it down in a clear lane of fire position from the back of the house, far enough away so as not to cause any damage to the structure or blow out any windows when it went off.

There the poor nuts.com gift package sat until day ten when they decided to fire three rounds from their suppressed AR .22 into the package.

Seven said that the package really jumped around with each shot, but nothing else occurred except that now, after all those days outside, the waterboarding, and the weapons fire, mostly destroyed the cardboard and that they could clearly see a festive colored round metal tin with a couple of small caliber holes in it.

When I called Seven to inquire about my innocent holiday gift, Seven had cleaned up the backyard mess, thrown the soggy cardboard box away along with the white sheet of paper that once contained my holiday greeting but was now a bullet-ridden, faded, washed-out wad of wet paper. 

When I called, Seven still had not opened the tin and was not going to ever do so sans my explanation, which they now were convinced was in fact, a comic exploding gag gift.

It was hard, but I did stop laughing long enough to explain that these events were so much better than some stupid nuts and told Seven that I hoped they NEVER opened Pandora’s tin-o-exploding nuts.

After cursing my name and my eternal lineage and vowing revenge, Seven hung up with promises of powerful retribution, which I take so seriously that I have stopped ordering ANYTHING from ANYWHERE until at least Spring.

Seven did finally send me a text picture of the opened, bullet-ridden tin of shrapnel that once had been an assortment of holiday goodies.

Postscript;

 I love all my peeps but I gotta admit Six and Seven are my mostest, favorites, bestus, broken toys.

Happy holidays, and DO NOT send anything to me using UPS for a while.