Before we can unravel the mystery of Mrs. Kerr-Thump there are a couple of items we need to discuss.
One of these items is the reality of Fredrick Nietzsche’s concept about staring into the abyss. From my point of view, it is absolutely true.
The second item that we need to unpack is the fact that I am ever so slightly, mildly, barely noticeably, OCD. I have probably been mildly OCD most of my life. However I didn’t begin to notice it until I found myself counting things. I count stairs. I count items in the grocery cart. I count the number of pelicans that fly by in formation. I count the number of palm trees in my current line of sight. I count the number of vertical rungs in the balcony railing. I count the number of “dings” the seat-belt alarm makes before it gives up. I count lots of things. I don’t worry about this because I don’t always do it, it’s just something that happens sometimes. I believe this is my one-and-only OCD symptom. If you have evidence to the contrary please, do me a favor and just keep it to yourself. I am most famous for counting the number of M&Ms in a package and categorizing them by color. I am proud of my two year written study of the number of various colors of M&Ms that come in a package including the times Mars Corp. changed some colors. That data is available upon request.
I understand that if and when you finish reading this story you will know more about me than about Mrs. Ker-Thump and her mystery. I am OK with that, (thanks Nietzsche)!
There are a few technical matters that we need to get out of the way in order to begin to understand the issue of Mrs. Ker-Thump’s mystery.
I currently live on the third floor of a high-rise Florida beachfront condo. My balcony looks out over the pool with a view to the beach. It is a lovely place for me to spend the winter. Every warm morning there is a cadre of sweet “older” ladies who take advantage of the pool and swim laps. It’s quite a sight to see, all these lovely multicolored swim caps bobbing around in the pool like flowers on a pond.
I like to sit out on my balcony in the morning drinking my coffee and reading the paper. These two activities have, over time, generated both waves of recognition to and from the flotilla of bobbing flowers and Mrs. Ker-Thump’s mystery.
We have to talk about the pool for a minute in order to understand how it is that there is a mystery to be figured out. The pool is a standard (by my definition) hotel style swimming pool. It has standard dimensions that approximate a rectangular “freeform” swimming pool. It is 16 x 32 feet, it has a shallow end that is 3 feet deep and a deep end that is 6 feet deep. The math of that equates to a little more than 17,000 gallons of water. (16’x 32’ x 4.5’ x 7.5 = 17,280 gallons) The pool is very well kept, clean and neat and standard in its operation. By that I mean it has normal filters that circulate the water. It is not a wave or jet current pool, it is a standard swimming pool. Yes I know you wonder how this matters but it does.
About a week ago I was sitting on my balcony reading the paper enjoying the morning. And while reading a paragraph about how south Florida is trying to deal with the issue of manatees starving to death due to lack of seagrass, I heard my brain counting. Now this happens from time to time and when it does I just shut it off as I did that morning. When I got to the story about the Governor of Florida fighting with the President over mask mandates I heard my brain counting again, 11,12, 13, 14, 15. “Hey dummy!” I said, “what are you doing?” and this time the counting would not shut off. So I put the paper down, which can be tricky sometimes due to ocean breezes, I took a sip of coffee and started looking around to see what the heck my monkey-brain had latched onto. That’s when I heard Mrs. Ker-Thump.
She was swimming laps in her brightly colored floral swim cap when I noticed that her right foot came all the way out of the water as she was kicking and when it went back in the water it went “ker-thump”. Her foot did this every single time. No exception no change no deviation, every single time. Every kick generated a “ker-thump” with her right foot. She made no other sound swimming in the water just her regular, constant, ker-thump.
That’s what my brain was counting. I know what you are going to think at this point. Just ignore it and carry on … ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump.
I can do that most of the time, and so I proceeded to re-engage with my newspaper when my monkey-mind said to me, “O.K. you can ignore me all you want BUT I know you, and I know you really want to know WHY!” Pausing my critique of a scathing editorial about how dare the “right” (or was it the “left”)… bla, bla bla…. I made the tactical error of engaging the afore mentioned primate brain. “I really have no idea what you are carrying on about here but if it will SHUT YOU UP…. please, elaborate. Ker-thump, ker-thump.
And now we get to the mystery.
Why!? Why on earth does Mrs. Ker-Thump average 36 ker-thumps when she travels in one direction and 44 ker-thumps when she travels in the opposite direction? Ker-thump, ker-thump. This might make sense if she swam one lap and was tired on the return lap and thus required more ker-thumps. Nope, Mrs. Ker-Thump swims for approximately 30 minutes almost every morning. Mrs. Ker-Thump averages these numbers for the entire 30 minute (you need to trust me on this, remember I’m the guy that counted M&Ms for two years).
Now please remember that this is a standard swimming pool with standard dimensions and does not have an internal jet or any other fancy water tricks. How is it possible? How is it humanly possible that Mrs. Ker-Thump can swim a lap in one direction for 36 ker-thumps but a lap in the opposite direction that is the exact same distance for 44 ker-thumps never changing her rhythm? I have studied this now every morning that she has been out for the past several days & I am NO closer to understanding this than I ker-thump was two weeks ago. No, one leg is not longer than the other. (I have seen her & Mr. Ker-Thump walking to and from the pool) plus that would not explain it anyway. Why is it ALWAYS the northbound lap that is 36 ker-thumps and the southbound lap that is 44 ker-thumps. Yes ALWAYS more ker-thumps back than out. WHY?
So…. in order to shut the monkey up….
I have modified my behavior to respond to this mathematical conundrum. Ker-thump, ker thump. Now I do not begin reading my paper or taking my coffee onto the balcony until or unless I know the ker-thump status. Instead, I wait to read my paper or drink my 2nd cup of coffee until I know that Mrs.Ker-Thump has finished or likely is not swimming. When she is ker thumping I stay inside and shut the heavy glass door in order not to count her ker-thumps and argue with the monkey while I’m trying to read the ker-thump… I mean newspaper.
That dang monkey is relentless, ker-thump.
Chuck Choate Words & Pictures 